Please pray that good thing will happen to me today ...

the up and down

You never know whom you're talking to until you talk to the person. I was at the airport not long ago and while talking to just my fellow passenger, he suddenly said his friend once told him " you have to learn from other mistakes because you don't have enough time in your life time to make every single mistake". I thought about it and realized it's true. However, as much as I want to say I've learned a lot from my own mistakes. I can say that I've been to the top and I've also been to the bottom. At time things were great. At time things were not so great. I guess because of this I get to learn about how other feels and sympathizes with them. Also because I'vebeen there and done that, I could tell them that it's okie because it's only temporary. Maybe because of this I get to also learn about myself. Nothing stays constant. You can't stay at the top forever. Neither will you be at the bottom forever. Having been through the up and down, I can put myself in different situation in order to understand the other person. What I learn from my retreat recently was to just be calm in all situation and eventually things will work out: explore all your options and learn about what you can do about it. Be presence!

less than 48 hours

"Under certain circumstances, you may need to take steps to counteract someone else's wrongdoing, but it's better to do so without anger. That will be more effective, because when your mind is overwhelmed by a disturbing emotion like anger, the action you take may not be appropriate." - The Dalai Lama This statement represents how I feel exactly at this moment in time!

Day by Day

sometimes I do ask, what is my dream job? what I like to do the most?

I realize I like to observe people and see how they react to a certain situation.  I like to do something to comfort them when they are sad or down.  When I see them smile, I am happy for them.  This is particularly true in my situation.

Seeing patients getting better is a blessing.  However, unfortunately, some do not make it.  I feel for the family...

So what is it that I really like? I guess I like to write.  It doesn't take much to write...you only need to have a lot of discipline to fit it in your schedule... but i haven't touched it since... is it time to restart?

3rd week...

 Tomorrow marks my third week in the oncology rotation.  So much have I learned in the past week...both personally and professionally.

Long ago, I was told that you should live today as though it is your last day.  Recent passing away of Mr. Steve Jobs, this saying is often quoted because he often lived as though today was his last day.  What would you do if today is really your last day?  I wonder myself.   I have many things to do and many places to travel.  If I were to live today as though it was my last day, I would never able to accomplish all the things that I wanted to do.  So what does it really mean when a person says...you should always live as though today is your last day?  To me, it means to live with no regret and to live knowing that you have tried your best.  How is it like to live with no regret?  Does it involve in making as best a decision as you can so that you do not have to look back and wish it was something?  I think so.  If I can live like that, I then can leave the world without much regrets.

I'm talking about this because having spent two weeks in the onc service and a few months in the hospital, I realized the thread between life and death is so thin.  We are walking on it daily and trying to balance so that we are overwhelmed with the thought of dying and not overjoyed with the thought of living knowing that one day we will all pass away.  However, most of us are happy that we are alive.

I have learned much from my patients, from their determination to live as well as their acceptance to death.  As for me, I learn that some of my patients will make it and some will not make it.  Am I being attached to them not making?  Probably not, I am more concerned about the ones that are left behind.  Once a person is gone, a person no longer feels the sadness of death.  Only the people who are left behind have to endure the pain of loss.

...

Time and time again

how many times do you say what you mean?



Every time a person passes you by, do you say "hi" just for saying?  Do you really mean to ask about their well-beings?


Is it our habit to say a word that we don't mean to say?  Should we practice constraint and only say the things that we mean?

I realize that when I ask "how are you", I pause for a second to listen to their responses as we passed by in the halls.  I guess I do try to mean what I say.  But then I also realized that many times I said things to not feel left out of a place and totally don't mean what I say.  I also know that if I start to consciously think about what I will say, sometimes I end up not saying anything at all.

Does it hurt to say the thing you mean?  It definitely could because if you really mean what you say...and if it is something hurtful, the other person might get hurt.  But...it might not be too bad if you choose your words carefully.

So don't act to your impulses...think before you say...because you might think you are helping the other person but in fact, it only creates more conflicts.

Respect the others just as they have respected you.

Rotation Update

Tomorrow will be my second week in hematology/oncology rotation.

The rotation itself is demanding because there are lots of reading (mostly because I want to read).  Assigned reading is not available so you have to go and find your own information.

I love my patients and I can't lie about it.  These are people fighting for their lives.  In this wing, prejudice doesn't exist.  Why? Because they are all in the same playing field. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

My first week went by and I'm still trying to grasp everything I can.  Lots of information and lots to learn.

What I realize is that...like meditation, you continue to progress...and continue to improve.

I made a template to summarize information about the patient in my first inpatient rotation.  Now, the template is updated and I continue to modify it to make things better.  On top of this, I also add more information and learn about what I need to check for each patient.

The day starts before the sunrise and often ends when the sun is about to set.  But I can't leave work at work.  Even when at home, work comes to home as well.  On top of this, I need to finish my project by the end of October.  The presentation also needs to be done by the end of October.  The abstract needs to be written by mid-Nov and the presentation will be delivered Mid-Nov.

Talking about it makes me feel a bit anxious but I know I can do it anyhow.  ^_^

a new start :)

tomorrow i will start another rotation... only 6 more to go.  This means only 7 more months... 4 years in a blink

Entering my final year, I thought I had it all figured out but the answer still seems so far away. Two months away from the conference. I'm about 60% done with the data analysis. Still lots of work to do but I think I should finish it in time for the conference in addition to submitting the final results to the conference in June (deadline is the beginning of December – two months away to be exact! But I think I will be able to do something ^_^

In a month, everything is going to be like four years ago. Applications, traveling, money spending and uncertainty will be coming back once again. And I thought I'm done with them for good. Only four years ago things have changed.

October is fast approaching. Your memorial is also approaching. Just like that, it's almost 3 years. I still remembered boarding on the plane flying to visit you for the first time. Wherever you are now, I hope others are treating you nicely. Our path crosses and then diverges. Such things happen so often. I did wish I visited you more often in the past. Maybe that's why I've spent more time flying back and forth than driving. It also reminds me how important family is.

I wonder how people feel when I actually don't remember the day you passed away because I don't just want to remember you once a year. I often reflect about life and death and at time I remember how you would have taught me and what you taught me. In a way, I do think about you many times a year, many times a month, and many times a week. I just don't remember your memorial except for the month. You wouldn't be mad, would you?

I know as much as I lament about finishing up the last part of my education, I will probably dive into the work and work extremely hard in the next couples of months. As much as I said I'm so done with this and that, given the opportunities, I will once again work my hardest to get there.

I often set high goals. For example: for this break, I set many goals and then I entered the retreat, ten days worth of work were gone but you set high goals to offset things like this. So that whatever you achieve is still good. I wonder whom I learned it from. All I know is that my organization and planning skills have become a lot better since the incident three years ago. I had to cram so much. Every minute is a treasure. I always had to plan for the worse. So in preparation for such things, I pushed and pushed my limits. But in the end.... I made it! I know you will always be supportive of me. You might not be supporting me sleeping two hours a night or three hours a night or not even turning on the heat in the house all through winter or just sleeping on the floor for the last three years... but I've made it. I think you will be proud. Of every venture I try, you will be proud because that is what you have always wanted to instill in me... don't be afraid of the unknown and you've got to try and do what you're unfamiliar. I think I've done just that in the past three years...only it's too late for you to see...