Another year

It's new year eve day. I suddenly miss you and wonder where you are.
I don't think my health has been good this year but everything has been fine (at least I survived them all up until now).
I've been up quite early this morning (mostly due to indigestion). I guess I should have known better not to eat certain food. I sincerely think I'm developing some kind of food allergy. I just need to figure out what it is.

Daddy, we are doing well. Ethan has grown up a lot. He's a very good and spoiled boy. He starts walking now. He loves to eat as well. I tend to enjoy his food for some reasons.

I think you would have love seeing him growing up. He would have probably love you very much because you were so gentle with everyone.

So wherever you are, just be safe and be happy. You might have forgotten about us, but we still remember you.

Happy New Year Daddy

With lots of love

missing the snow on new year eve

This time last year, I was strolling the street in Kyoto.
How much I missed the old days.
Kyoto, one day I will definitely visit you again.
Kyoto, one day I will definitely strike the bell at the temple on New Year Eve again.

Living is a journey that can only be walked alone

Letting it go

If there is anything that I learn from my practice, it's the ability to let things go. Knowing that things are mostly transient has been making my life much easier than how I would have lived. Not staring at the close door, I am able to let go and explore other opportunities. Sometimes I do think, all the signs have been given to us and we often choose to ignore them. Using our logical mind, you try to navigate everything but whether it will bring happiness, I'm not sure. By learning to let things go, I get to see the things that I would not have known otherwise. Such a simple lesson but it takes many years to learn... and many more years to practice. I have always asked for signs to help me...the signs have been given to me all along only I have not noticed it. But now I do and now I embrace it. Let it be...and let it go

challenge again?

Sometimes I wonder what life is all about. Three years ago around this time, I was faced with the life challenge and I had to decide whether to continue or to withdraw. In the end, I was able to pull through with my head high. Three years later, I am once again met with the another challenge in life. Sometimes I wonder if life is teasing me. When I thought I've decided, things start falling apart. But I'm sure I will be fine. No matter what happens, you can't look at the close door and being sad about it. If there is anything that I've learned, life is unexpected and you just have to adapt it as much as you can in order to survive.

Sleep sleep

Last month, I hardly got past 5 hours of sleep a night. All was due to the hectic schedule and the demand of the rotation in addition to the work I need to get done in preparation for December. So you would think I would sleep like a baby whenever I got a chance. It was true most of the time. The moment I turned off the computer to go to bed, my brain was tired and at times thought about what would happen tomorrow. Despite this, some nights I would just close my eyes without being able to fall asleep. Time after time, my brain was just too active for me to go to sleep. I often said I could sleep easily but now I also know that stress and anxiety could cause people to go lose sleep which adds another complexity to the already complex problem. Often time, people would try to relax the mind in order to go to sleep. In the past when I was a lot younger, I would start counting sheep or number. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't work. I think nowadays, some people would take medications to help them going to sleep (the medication works to reduce certain activity of the brain). Some people try yoga, listen to soft music or other relaxation methods. Although, I don't often have insomnia but whenever I do, I realize they all have one thing in common: my brain just could not stop thinking about what I should do tomorrow, the day after tomorrow or it could not stop exploring options to find solutions to problems. At times, I would get lost and just let the brain do its calculation as to what should and should not be done. The more I let go, the more awake I became and the less sleepy I was even though my body was tired from working all day. (This hasn't accounted to the anxiety that these thoughts brought to me). So how I got out of the loops that keep me from having a nice sleep: I often would have to tell my brain that thinking too much and it's time to turn off the activity in order to go to sleep. I admit that it's not an easy process to go through. But if you are like me, sometimes I can get a bit carry-away with my thinking without realizing that many of them were just thoughts. (without a good night sleep, I probably wouldn't be able to do all the things my brain asking me to do). This is just an example of how we often just let the problems be what they are rather than fixing the problems to prevent the consequences. there is always a reason for us to be awake. For me, it was due to my brain's activity. If yours is the same, maybe you can try to calm the mind by acknowledging that worried mind and let the worry go and do not think about it at the moment. If you keep telling yourself that, the mind will be a bit more stable and might let you go to sleep a bit easier.

Please pray that good thing will happen to me today ...

the up and down

You never know whom you're talking to until you talk to the person. I was at the airport not long ago and while talking to just my fellow passenger, he suddenly said his friend once told him " you have to learn from other mistakes because you don't have enough time in your life time to make every single mistake". I thought about it and realized it's true. However, as much as I want to say I've learned a lot from my own mistakes. I can say that I've been to the top and I've also been to the bottom. At time things were great. At time things were not so great. I guess because of this I get to learn about how other feels and sympathizes with them. Also because I'vebeen there and done that, I could tell them that it's okie because it's only temporary. Maybe because of this I get to also learn about myself. Nothing stays constant. You can't stay at the top forever. Neither will you be at the bottom forever. Having been through the up and down, I can put myself in different situation in order to understand the other person. What I learn from my retreat recently was to just be calm in all situation and eventually things will work out: explore all your options and learn about what you can do about it. Be presence!

less than 48 hours

"Under certain circumstances, you may need to take steps to counteract someone else's wrongdoing, but it's better to do so without anger. That will be more effective, because when your mind is overwhelmed by a disturbing emotion like anger, the action you take may not be appropriate." - The Dalai Lama This statement represents how I feel exactly at this moment in time!

Day by Day

sometimes I do ask, what is my dream job? what I like to do the most?

I realize I like to observe people and see how they react to a certain situation.  I like to do something to comfort them when they are sad or down.  When I see them smile, I am happy for them.  This is particularly true in my situation.

Seeing patients getting better is a blessing.  However, unfortunately, some do not make it.  I feel for the family...

So what is it that I really like? I guess I like to write.  It doesn't take much to write...you only need to have a lot of discipline to fit it in your schedule... but i haven't touched it since... is it time to restart?

3rd week...

 Tomorrow marks my third week in the oncology rotation.  So much have I learned in the past week...both personally and professionally.

Long ago, I was told that you should live today as though it is your last day.  Recent passing away of Mr. Steve Jobs, this saying is often quoted because he often lived as though today was his last day.  What would you do if today is really your last day?  I wonder myself.   I have many things to do and many places to travel.  If I were to live today as though it was my last day, I would never able to accomplish all the things that I wanted to do.  So what does it really mean when a person says...you should always live as though today is your last day?  To me, it means to live with no regret and to live knowing that you have tried your best.  How is it like to live with no regret?  Does it involve in making as best a decision as you can so that you do not have to look back and wish it was something?  I think so.  If I can live like that, I then can leave the world without much regrets.

I'm talking about this because having spent two weeks in the onc service and a few months in the hospital, I realized the thread between life and death is so thin.  We are walking on it daily and trying to balance so that we are overwhelmed with the thought of dying and not overjoyed with the thought of living knowing that one day we will all pass away.  However, most of us are happy that we are alive.

I have learned much from my patients, from their determination to live as well as their acceptance to death.  As for me, I learn that some of my patients will make it and some will not make it.  Am I being attached to them not making?  Probably not, I am more concerned about the ones that are left behind.  Once a person is gone, a person no longer feels the sadness of death.  Only the people who are left behind have to endure the pain of loss.

...

Time and time again

how many times do you say what you mean?



Every time a person passes you by, do you say "hi" just for saying?  Do you really mean to ask about their well-beings?


Is it our habit to say a word that we don't mean to say?  Should we practice constraint and only say the things that we mean?

I realize that when I ask "how are you", I pause for a second to listen to their responses as we passed by in the halls.  I guess I do try to mean what I say.  But then I also realized that many times I said things to not feel left out of a place and totally don't mean what I say.  I also know that if I start to consciously think about what I will say, sometimes I end up not saying anything at all.

Does it hurt to say the thing you mean?  It definitely could because if you really mean what you say...and if it is something hurtful, the other person might get hurt.  But...it might not be too bad if you choose your words carefully.

So don't act to your impulses...think before you say...because you might think you are helping the other person but in fact, it only creates more conflicts.

Respect the others just as they have respected you.

Rotation Update

Tomorrow will be my second week in hematology/oncology rotation.

The rotation itself is demanding because there are lots of reading (mostly because I want to read).  Assigned reading is not available so you have to go and find your own information.

I love my patients and I can't lie about it.  These are people fighting for their lives.  In this wing, prejudice doesn't exist.  Why? Because they are all in the same playing field. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

My first week went by and I'm still trying to grasp everything I can.  Lots of information and lots to learn.

What I realize is that...like meditation, you continue to progress...and continue to improve.

I made a template to summarize information about the patient in my first inpatient rotation.  Now, the template is updated and I continue to modify it to make things better.  On top of this, I also add more information and learn about what I need to check for each patient.

The day starts before the sunrise and often ends when the sun is about to set.  But I can't leave work at work.  Even when at home, work comes to home as well.  On top of this, I need to finish my project by the end of October.  The presentation also needs to be done by the end of October.  The abstract needs to be written by mid-Nov and the presentation will be delivered Mid-Nov.

Talking about it makes me feel a bit anxious but I know I can do it anyhow.  ^_^

a new start :)

tomorrow i will start another rotation... only 6 more to go.  This means only 7 more months... 4 years in a blink

Entering my final year, I thought I had it all figured out but the answer still seems so far away. Two months away from the conference. I'm about 60% done with the data analysis. Still lots of work to do but I think I should finish it in time for the conference in addition to submitting the final results to the conference in June (deadline is the beginning of December – two months away to be exact! But I think I will be able to do something ^_^

In a month, everything is going to be like four years ago. Applications, traveling, money spending and uncertainty will be coming back once again. And I thought I'm done with them for good. Only four years ago things have changed.

October is fast approaching. Your memorial is also approaching. Just like that, it's almost 3 years. I still remembered boarding on the plane flying to visit you for the first time. Wherever you are now, I hope others are treating you nicely. Our path crosses and then diverges. Such things happen so often. I did wish I visited you more often in the past. Maybe that's why I've spent more time flying back and forth than driving. It also reminds me how important family is.

I wonder how people feel when I actually don't remember the day you passed away because I don't just want to remember you once a year. I often reflect about life and death and at time I remember how you would have taught me and what you taught me. In a way, I do think about you many times a year, many times a month, and many times a week. I just don't remember your memorial except for the month. You wouldn't be mad, would you?

I know as much as I lament about finishing up the last part of my education, I will probably dive into the work and work extremely hard in the next couples of months. As much as I said I'm so done with this and that, given the opportunities, I will once again work my hardest to get there.

I often set high goals. For example: for this break, I set many goals and then I entered the retreat, ten days worth of work were gone but you set high goals to offset things like this. So that whatever you achieve is still good. I wonder whom I learned it from. All I know is that my organization and planning skills have become a lot better since the incident three years ago. I had to cram so much. Every minute is a treasure. I always had to plan for the worse. So in preparation for such things, I pushed and pushed my limits. But in the end.... I made it! I know you will always be supportive of me. You might not be supporting me sleeping two hours a night or three hours a night or not even turning on the heat in the house all through winter or just sleeping on the floor for the last three years... but I've made it. I think you will be proud. Of every venture I try, you will be proud because that is what you have always wanted to instill in me... don't be afraid of the unknown and you've got to try and do what you're unfamiliar. I think I've done just that in the past three years...only it's too late for you to see...

Purpose

at times when i feel like losing a purpose or forgetting a purpose, I often remind myself that the purpose is to live at the moment right now..


In a short few months, a new year will come.  Who knows what a new year will bring and offer.   We only know every moment passes by with every breath we take.  No one knows how many breath we take in a life time because it will always be a natural process that we often do not pay attention to.  It comes and goes without us knowing...and when the last is drawn, we often will probably have not realized it either... we take it for granted often time from the day we were born until the last day of our life.

A lesson about self-control

... reading this :what if the secret to success is failure

The article is quite long (but I skimmed through to get the gist of it) and realized that the whole article talks a lot about "self-control".

While the title of the article is "secret to success is failure", the article does not go out to emphasize that failure is a way to success.  Instead, it's more of... when you don't succeed in something or when you know you have to spend more time in doing something or put in more efforts in doing something, you're on your way to success (not a definite but it's a character that you inherently have in order to become a successful person).

This reminds me a lot of what I have to go through every time I go to meditation retreat.  Every sitting is different from the last one.  One has no expectation to have a not-painful sitting. Instead pain is almost always present.  But like Sayadaw said in the closing remark this past weekend, "there will be pain that will not go away, but you learn to live with it".  This is true in every way.  Things in life that we can't change necessarily such as your family or your parents.  Even if you really dislike them, you have to live knowing that you can't change the fact that they are their parents.  You learn to become more tolerable.  (I'm not talking about extreme cases here, so please don't say how about abusive parents.  It's a different issue.  One needs to be wise to act accordingly).

People would probably ask me why I want to mediate at such age. I often question though I didn't I do this earlier.  But such question is not necessary.  The practice does make you seeing desire as an attachment and a burden and that your life revolves around what you want and what you wish instead of what things really are.

One person even asked me whether it is resume building.  I said no and really wanted to say...it's character building.  Imagine a person who wouldn't talk to anyone for a period of time and spend time doing everything by himself.  People said it's hard but they have never tried.  Once they have tried it, what they experience would probably change the way they think, the way they act, and even the way they are.  Human beings have such powerful minds that the minds can do things that we can't even imagine.  If you think you can't sit for an hour, try a bit harder.  If you think you can't depart from your phone for a day, try a bit harder.

I had my phone with me during the retreat but it was put on airplane mode for the entire period during which I had no desire to turn it on and check my mail.  You might wonder why... (I did get home with over hundreds of emails in the inboxes and are still in the process of going through them).  Well, what's the use of going to a retreat with a phone that keeps on ringing?  I always wonder whether I can live without the internet or without a phone.  Indeed you can when you don't have the need to use it.

In our daily life, I need the internet for work.  I need the internet for project.  I need internet for communication and other things.  But I also realize that it's not a necessity because without it, I was still alive.

I think I'm digressing from the original thought... but it just strikes me hard when I read the article that...after numerous painful sitting sessions, you do learn to live with pain and learn to silence some pain but most of all you have gained the mental strengths to overcome any obstacles that come your way.  Why so?  You're not supposed to move when you're in pain.  You are only supposed to look at the pain and observe it, study it, and let it go.  Then another pain will come while the other pain is still present.  What will you do?  You continue to observe, study and let go.  You continue the process until your mind learns that there will be things that it can and cannot control.  And what will you learn?  After all, you're an observer...

what to do when you have a break but not really a break? :)

having a month off but it's been busy spending time with the family & friends ^_^

Caravan by Masashi Yamanaka



All is good but now I really need time to finish things that I set out to finish during this break.

I think I can do it. All I need is a set of undisturbed time!

I promise I will write about keratotis pilaris next time. I've been treating myself for the last two months and the results have been noticed. When I showed the results to my family members, they were like it looks like it was never there. It was a drastic improvement! So I'm very excited and I wanted to share it.

It's a chronic condition and it takes time to treat the condition. One thing that I notice most people don't talk about is the process of improvement. But ah, I will have to tell you in the later post. I know I will have time to post it. It's part of the list that I want to do. So stay tune!

August..August

It's a long day... but it's going to be a short week

can't wait until Wednesday! ^_^

Even though next month is going to be a month off, things aren't slowing down because I have to complete one presentation and the data analysis of the post. Knowing that I won't have any time to do either of them in the month of October and probably November, I should be working on it now.

I have to say this rotation has prepared me well for what I have to do in October. Emerging myself in Pubmed daily, I realize I can actually stand doing Pubmed like this for the last 3-4 weeks. I think I've learned more about breast cancer than I would have known (but there are still so much more to learn). STarting to learn about Hodgkin's lymphoma. It sounds easy but not as easy as it sounds.

I've grown quite fond of taking of kombucha. Trying different methods to protect them from the ant invasion. They grow so beautifully that I get to drink kombucha daily without breaking a big bank for it.

I think I will start putting some recipe up when I have time because I've been writing down different recipes (using various types of teas in variety of combinations!).

I will be able to do this ^_^

the end of summer

Home Far Away by Solitudes



Is it almost the end of August? The month has just gone by so quickly. I barely noticed that next week marks the beginning of September.

In a mean time, I'm keeping myself busy with different things.

I've decided to go on another retreat (it has been a couple years since I went to a formal one).

Today, I talked to one of my friend's friends and she asked me if I am Buddhist. I said yes. She asked if I know any temple around the areas. I said there was one but not quite close. But then again, if people know me, I don't usually go to temple unless it is in my vicinity. Even when I traveled to other countries, most of the temples that I visited were mostly accidentally. I initially wanted to visit one temple but ended up getting lost and went to a different temple instead. Of all the one I wanted to visit, I actually only got to one or two. The rest was all by chance.

Sometimes it just happened that way. If you're meant to do something, eventually life will take you there. Then you can look back and realize, nothing has been wasted.

If you look at life this way, wouldn't it be better?

Gentle Rain

Gentle Rain by Brian Crain

It's probably raining a lot in the North East at this point. Wish them all safe and well!



It was so windy today. Luckily, no fallen trees on the sidewalk. No power outage. Although I've heard they happened at other places.

Mother nature has been in full force lately. From tornadoes, to earthquake, and now hurricane. We are living in uncertainty but what we are certain is the moment that we are still alive and breathing.

I'll pray for you

A friendship song

What a cute clip! I just have to share !



^_^ treasure a good friend, a friend whom you can share your sadness and happiness, a friend who harbors no jealousy over your accomplishment and is willing to go an extra mile with you ^_^

I'm blessed to have found good friends :)

Enjoy! :)

almost the end of august already!

Welcome to the Show by Lenka! :)



So it's been a few days since I last post but things have been quite crazy as of late. Trying to finish up the current project (finishing up the first part it is, the second part is still to come!!!)


Rotation has been going well. I learned a lot last week in benign hematology and also met a very nice mentor as well. So it's a win-win situation.


I'm about 10 days from finishing up this rotation and then time for the second part of the race!


I've been experimenting with my cooking a lot at home lately actually.


I finally learned (well experiment is a better word) how to pickle carrot/daikon/cucumber like the way they did at the restaurant (slightly sour/slightly sweet). Even though it's not a great accomplishment, but I've always loved these pickle sidedishes but never made them (because I thought they are hard to make). Then I realized it's not quite that hard. So now I can enjoy them fresh daily! It's supposed to be good for your digestion/diet? I don't know about the second part but I love these! Maybe I should write down the ingredients/measurement and post them here.


I also switch to a new source of protein recently (well technically two days ago) just for a change (but also because it just happens to be on sale and I want to change things up a little bit). I bought half a pound of cod fish fillets. I'm unfamiliar with how to cook fish because my past experience has not been pleasant. They always have the aftertaste that made me don't want to eat them (but fresh sashimi is my love!). The first try, I put them in kimchi soup, it was good but the soup overpowered the fish flavor a bit. So the second time, I marinated the fish with ume sauce, soysauce, green onion, and pepper. I think next time I would marinate it a bit longer (this time it was about 10 minutes). Using soy sauce as a base for my soup, the dish turn out actually better than I thought. I also added spinach for vegetables and a bit of pickle carrots and daikon. The result was great! If I have time, I will post the picture up! In a mean time, I will continue to modify the recipe to make it better!


That is it for now but I think my next post will be about keratosis pilaris :)

a look to the already-done

The past few days have been Yiruma and the magical music.

I've always liked Kitaro's composition. It is magnificent and yet touches your heart deeply.

Introducing "Thinking of You" by Kitaro



It's been a busy day from morning until late night. Although long, I found some interesting and useful information that can be used for my new projects.

They said if you walk so slowly but as long as you continue to walk, you will eventually get where you want to be.

It's very optimistic of course. Imagine you are where you are at this point in life. How much struggles have you gone through to reach to this stage? Have you looked back at the road you've taken recently? Have you had any regrets? Should you have any regrets?

Some people have their paths lining up just right. Some people have to go through different stages in life in order to get to the garden of fruits.

As I look back at the last few years, things have gone from normal to crazy and back to normal and back to crazy. At times, I question why the decision was made and why I chose to follow a certain route. Then I realize it was just an exploration. When you are unsure of what you want to do, what else is better than an exploration? But it wasn't a mindless exploration. Just like you go on a hike, you have to prepare to deal with the worse situation. But at the same time, you should also try to prevent the worse situation. most of you wouldn't probably choose to go on the longest route when you are new to the hiking path or just start to hike. Why so? because it's a recipe for disaster. So what you do? You do it at small increment. Just like that with life, at time, you haven't been able to accomplish what you want, you should be happy actually. Why? because this means you can continue to grow and go further and go deeper. Who knows, you might even be able to do more than accomplish what you have set to accomplish.

I guess I'm writing for myself because I think this is what I need at the moment in order to continue.

:)

Winter Waltz in the summer air

I couldn't believe that I couldn't find this song by Jim Brickman on youtube!

So this is a cover of Winter Waltz!



Interestingly enough, I wrote about career decision yesterday and today an article about people who left their primary career to go to what were considered as secondary career. A sign for me maybe? I don't think so but it's good to reflect on though.

The article did mention that they followed what they had dreamed of and had always wanted to do. It is a bittersweet moment I guess. Leaving a very good job to open one's own business. Doing what you think you love everyday but the work hour can be extremely exhausting. Sometimes I do wonder, I can quit many things and just do one thing. But then I realize, my entire time will be focusing on that one thing and will there still be fun moment?

Currently, I always work to find time for different projects. Just today, I got an email saying that I need to complete this and that. This is on top of what could be a very well 10-12 hours a day. This is just for one project while I have many others lining up behind. Sometimes I do feel, one should distinguish what is a hobby and what is a passion.

One can have many hobbies and they can change from months to years. One day, you are probably very into working various drawings. The next month, you might want to try your hand on a motorbike instead. I do feel that when I have time to work on sometimes on the side, I feel very happy but if I were to spend my entire day doing just that, I wouldn't be too happy. Because it was just a hobby and it was not what I am passionate about.

But I think what you feel passionate about will be able to manifest itself in various forms and shapes. As a result, you have somehow incorporated it into your life without knowing it specifically. Or once you have become conscious of what you are passionate about, you start to be more proactive in decision making. Maybe this is what I am doing. Step by step, I'm working on something that I am happy about but the distance between me and what I want to accomplish seems to be very far and there are many obstacles. Is there a way around it? I don't know. Using what I have to foster what I want ^_^ (sound like s shopping slogan!)

Good night for now...much to think about... much to write ^_^

"like a like" (C)

like a snowflake
pointed
shining
transient

like a raindrop
lingering
on the leaf
after the rain

like a blue sky
shifting
through the wind
in the sun

life shall I call
multifaceted
lingering
and shifting

the rain keeps on pounding

Our Same Word by Yiruma (maybe I will one day get to see him in a concert?) :)



And the rain keeps on coming... it's raining hard outside...it might be the last rain season that I will witness here. The roof might be temporarily leaking again. Last time it did quite a bit of damage to my kitchen utensils!

It's been a quite few years. I have come to love and come to be familiar with this place. At the same time, I am also ready to move on to a different place. I went grocery shopping today and realized that very soon, I will probably have to learn everything from scratch all over again. But it is okie. If I start counting the weeks, I wonder how many it would be. It's already mid-august.

From time to time, I ask myself what it is that I want to do. I wonder whether you do the same. While I juggle between projects (professional and personal), I wonder why I have to try so many things. What is it that I really like and would not be tired of doing it every day?

I realize I do miss writing. I do miss working creatively. I used to write more often (not technical writing but more of creative writing). I wrote a small book that needs to be edited. I wonder when was the last time I had it read. Maybe I should take it out and start reading it again to make modifications.

If the trend that I have been observed is correct, I will probably rewrite the whole thing. It has come to no surprise to me that in the past few letters that I've sent (professionally) as well as essays that I wrote, I pretty much rewrote the entire document the second time around. Not that it was not good in the first place, it was a rough draft which needed to be polished. And I did after the second, the third, and the fourth etc.

Very soon, I will have to start the whole writing process all over again in anticipation of a new application cycle. May I head to the right direction... if not, I hope something would come and stop me :)

night night..

pounding rain

the rain keeps on
pounding
on the rooftop
into the windowsill

the raindrops tiptoe
while thunder and lightning
shine
through the night

was it the rain
or was it the sound
wiggling
to my heart

it keeps on pounding
pounding
pounding
and
pounding

(C) please credit if used!

The end of summer day

Hope by Yiruma (love his song!)



It was raining on and off outside this morning. The weather was clear in the afternoon and the tiny breeze made things a lot better when I walked outside!

For the past two weeks, I have been looking at the search engine in Pubmed for more than 5-6 hours a day. It is to the point that I don't want to look at it for the rest of the week (but I really doubt this is going to happen).

I will repeatedly tell myself that this too shall pass!

I went to Hallmark today to get some cards and saw that the store currently has a 75% sale (on selected items - mostly out of season items) and if you buy 6 or more you will get 85% off instead. I got 5 items and it took a good 15 minutes to get the next one to get the 85% off. But according to Hallmark, I saved about 47 dollars (what was supposed to be a 50+ purchase became an 9 dollars in total!). Can I be happy? Probably yes because I only bought what I thought I would use and nothing else. That's why it took me forever to decide on the last item!

As I walked the sale isle, I realized oh Father's day has passed. when was it? How come I couldn't remember? I took me a couple of hours to remember that it was in June. It's now August. I wonder whether I have too much in my mind that things start to blend into each other and probably don't make sense as much? I started writing some deadlines down and everything was dated 2010 (we're almost done with 2011!!!).

I wonder...by this time next year and the year following next...how much would I remember...

today, I made another batch of kombucha using a different type of green tea. My other batch is growing very well! ^_^

nostalgia

Can i share this music with you?


It's so touching and moving! A moment of nostalgia...

I was looking for a dictionary earlier in the day and came across a reference book that I bought a couple years ago. Unintentionally, I opened to see the surprise passage. The book landed on the chapter about Karma. I have heard karma from time to time and have tried to explain what I learned about Karma from time to time but to say that I truly understand is a stretch. So I started reading a few pages and the message brought me back to the time I was training in a few years ago at the center. It was hard and it was painful but mixed within the discomfort is the sweet fruit of determination. Little did I know what happened to be a short training session has changed many things about one's self. Time after time, I continue to flash back about what happened then and remind myself to continue to practice. Time is scarce but one needs to make time for what is important.

I started making fermented glutinous rice. I didn't go to the store to buy the fermented yeast (out of laziness). Instead, I used the liquid (supposedly containing fermented yeast) from the store-bought fermented glutinous rice instead. I don't know if this is going to work but we'll see in a week. I'll report back to see whether it's actually edible! :D

My kombucha is growing so fast and so well!!! Seriously, if this keeps up, I will run out of jar and will have kombucha for a very long time! I'm glad though because now I don't have to pay big bucks for a small bottle. Very happy about this.

so what new thing have you tried doing this week? Maybe my goal should be trying to do something new once a week or once a month. So by the end of the year, I will definitely have learned something. :)

good weekend y'all

is it morning?

Sometimes my strangeness can reach a very different level to which I can't even describe.

As I'm working on a project, out of nowhere I feel excited about eating my breakfast the next morning!!!! Not that it's new or crazily good because I practically eat the same breakfast for most days but for some reasons... the expectation to have a good breakfast in the morning just makes me very happy. Could it be because I'm hungry currently? :D

So youtube offers something to think about the morning and..so

Good morning! From Singing in the Rain...


But then I found this!



so enjoy your morning wherever you are :)

what it means?

I want to write so much but time is not with me! But I have to jot down something.

I remembered my bhante used to tell me to try harder and don't give up. All but one bhante (must I say the master of the master) just kind of let me decide what I want to do. It was when I went on a retreat and wanted to go home. My brain had had enough and decided it can't take it anymore. Everything bothered me at that time. I mean everything! So I went home and wondered why he didn't do anything in his power to make me stay. I heard stories that he had made people stay in the past. I wondered and wondered... Maybe he just knew I wasn't completely ready for it? I don't know...

I recently lead some relaxation/meditation practice with a small group friends (by group I mean like 2 other people). while I did think it was helpful for me to think of away to share this practice that I had, I start to understand what it meant to be a teacher. To me, it was pretty hard to explain things without bringing religion into it. What should I say? trying to lead a practice that was based on one's religion philosophy to another person of a different religion without bringing the religion itself into the teaching (if this makes any sense!).

I got an email from one of the friends saying that she can't continue. Rather than upset or disappointed in myself, I just think ...maybe this is not for her. There are many other types of practices out there, she will find one that fits her and when the time is right, she will be able to do it.

To be disciplined is hard but it is not impossible. Maybe now I understand what it means to be teaching someone...to be leading a session.

Just like the practice said... just let it go... :) the moment you let things go, the burden you often carry will be lighter.

:)

august storm?

The first week of August has gone by so quickly!!

To me it's like what? half a month has gone by? really?

I've learned a lot this week. I've read a lot this week. Now I realize I need to prepare a lot for next week as well. It really seems that I keep working and moving from one thing to another.

I've started weight lifting recently or to state it correctly working with weight. We will have to wait to see the results. I think I just need to build some muscles because currently I have none and this really limits the amount of food I can eat. They said when you have more muscle, you can eat more. This is exactly what I want!

The research project is still going. It's going better I think because I've worked out the kinks so now it's just the labor. I try to call it the labor of love! (I do love what I do but it's just a lot and a lot of love!)

I've been listening to this song all night! It's interesting how the same song can be sung in many different ways.

The original singer: Charles Aznavour sang with a voice that kept your attention and made you aware.


But when you Roy Charles sang with, his voice was so sad and full of regrets that make me love this version at a whole new level. I think he was able to make the song touch my heart and



And a few decades later, Roy Charles still delivers the song nicely. Although there is a crack in his voice and no longer was there a smooth transition between notes, his rendition still makes an impact as to how the lyrics directs it.



And when Charles Aznavour delivered it a few decades later...I think we can see very clearly how the two gentlemen interpreted the song with different emotions



For me, I think I like Roy Charles's version a lot more. Maybe because it's down to earth and maybe because I was able to feel his emotion when he sang this song and how much thoughts he put into it.

you can listen and judge for yourself

on to the food station

On a different note... I realize I start making more things at home or at least trying to make more things at home.




I cooked breakfast at home (oatmeal pretty much daily).  Recently (today!) I started making scrambled eggs for breakfast with chive (almost like what you ordered at the restaurant for breakfast but it's just way cheaper).  At this rate, it will be rare for me to go out to eat dinner/lunch/breakfast.  I've cut down the amount of times I go out for dinner... pretty much because it's so much faster to cook it at home and I tend to not overeat when I do it at home.

I guess I do cook simple meal.  I recently started making soy sauce soup.  I've become more Japanese these days.  When I told people I made soy sauce soup for dinner, they were like what? But I learned this when I went to Japan last December.  It was super easy to do.

You just boil some water, add a bit of soy sauce (to your liking but not too much otherwise it might be too salty, I use the Japanese soy sauce), and I also add a bit of ume plum vinegar (without this, the soup just doesn't taste right but don't add to much otherwise it will become quite sour...but ume plum sauce is my favorite... almost like a different version of red vinegar, white rice vinegar).  I also add in mushroom (I can't live without mushroom... I eat them everyday).  Then you have an option to add whether tofu or certain kind of meat or both.  I used the grass-fed beef (tiny bit) to make the soup taste a bit sweeter. I also use tofu by itself and the broth taste is amazingly clear (very lovely as well).  For vegetables, I've tried chive and spinach (the fresh one in the bunch not the loose leaves).  Sometimes I put in some dry seaweeds.  If you like spicy food, you can add a bit of the chili pepper in there.  Some people might want to put soba if you want some carbohydrate.  the meal really takes less than 10 minutes to make.  As you become more efficient, it probably only takes about 5-7 minutes.  This is what gets me started in cooking.  Why? because I don't have time to go to restaurant.  In contrast to what people think, I find going to restaurant taking more time.  why? it takes me forever to decide what I want.  I like to know what goes in my food (being weight conscious, i tend to not finish restaurant food and if I do, I feel so guilty later on...).  I tend to not know where to go and it takes me forever to figure out where to go... and the list of reasons goes on... so when I don't have time, I just cook at home.

anyway, if you do try the soup, let me know how it goes.  I love it to bits!  It's refreshing but at the same time I do need to watch the sodium.  Just don't drink the soup completely...maybe it's not as bad.

When I first bought the ume plum vinegar, I had no idea what to do with it.  I just know I love the ume plum a lot in one of the sushi rolls that I often called for at a frequent sushi restaurant.  Now I know what I can use it for.  Interestingly enough, I realized... food from different countries needs to be matched with their own ingredients.

Enjoy! I think my next post is about something that I've been growing... doesn't require a lot of time.. I really want to try pickle something recently... maybe I should start doing that after researching some recipe...

writing this makes me miss Japan... and wanting to go back there

on to the next rotation

I finished my rotation last Friday.  It was a good rotation... learned a lot and at the same time realized I still have a lot to learn.

The rotation itself was practically self-directed. Very little instruction was given so I had to pretty much decide what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it.   I would have appreciated it more had it not been my first in patient rotation.  Not that I like to be guided every step of the way, I just think a bit of introduction and clarification about what the expectation is like would be a lot more helpful.  Some of the feedback were helpful but at the same time I was taken by surprise because things like that were never mentioned even though I have asked about it.  Not only that, I just feel that some of the progresses that I made later on were not quite acknowledged. oh well..

Overall, it was good rotation and I had no complaint.  It's time to move on to the next rotation.  Lots to do!

^_^

midpoint update

you learn to walk by crawling... no pain no gain..
the next two weeks will be lots of work but i think i'm ready for the challenge.

got a surprise letter yesterday... and I suddenly feel that there is a connection between me and the benefactor... in someway we are similar.  I did an extensive search on her but only few articles came up.  Her contribution to the school was substantial considering it was coming from an individual.

I feel extremely blessed and lucky... it's amazing how this surprising gives me much strength and confidence in the work I do.  It's almost like a confirmation that... I can do it... it's also a reminder telling that I have a lot of work to do in order to live up to what is given to me.  Am I taking this too seriously?  I guess not... because I do feel... things happen for reasons.

In a couple days, I'll be working with a couple of friends on a very special practice.  This makes me realize that... I can introduce whatever I want but until the person is ready to commit... there is no much I can do.  but I'm glad I introduce it to her anyway... because it makes me happy when she is willing to try something that probably will be helpful. :)

July 4th or July 5th

First day of Internal Med rotation is tomorrow...why am I feeling so nervous...hope it's the right thing to feel..




it's kind of scary because many things happen there...hope i'm ready for it...

Black Rice and Sweet Potatoes ^_^

Because I become instantly obsessed with sweet potato and want to know everything about it.....so don't get me started when I searched for airplane tickets recently... in any case.. I found a blog entry talking about black rice and Japanese sweet potatoes...
although I don't cook it the way she did.. I guess I was a Japanese in my past ... decades/centuries ago :)



http://tokyokitchentales.wordpress.com/2010/11/10/satsuma-imo-gohan/

I do find it odd to talk about Japanese food on July 4th... so much contrast..

July 4th 2011

Is it July 4th already?  it will be at least another few hours... in any case, I already heard fireworks soaring the sky.. are people drinking already?



Of all the years, this is probably the first July 4th weekend I'm alone and nowhere near any relatives.  I guess it's part of growing up.  You slowly drift away from the things that you've known for years and come to take them as they are always there.

Have been busy with work and a short vacation.  Now back to regular schedule.  Try to get a good start on a research project with my professor.  I think we finally get it going.  I got some data... (approximately 20% of what I should get... but if I can accomplished that in one day - not on sitting, then I think I should be able to finished this by the end of July - I hope..) with the analysis can be done in the month of August and have it written in Sept and submitted in Oct and present it in Dec... and possibly getting more data to have it presented next June at the national meeting...(too much to ask? but I always think you should aim high so even if you can't achieve the highest level, you are probably close to it!).

I'll be in internal medicine this month.  nervous...and anxious... because I realize i don't know anything.  Whatever I studied, I forgot them already.  Hopefully, my patients will be nice...

I've started cooking new things these days.  Recently hooked into Japanese sweet potatoes.  This makes me want to go back to Japan sometimes this year.  I didn't realize how much I love that country even though I couldn't speak the language.  I just like strolling the street randomly without having to worry about anything.  Is it a true vacation? I guess so.  Kyoto is so different from Tokyo.  There are many places I want to visit that are near Kyoto (on the outskirt mostly) but didn't get a chance to do so.  The people I met there were so generous.

If you want to try, black rice (or wild rice) cooked with chopped Japanese Sweet potatoes is delicious! :)

Happy July 4th!! Get your shopping done because I've heard it's a steal this weekend.  I did mine online which took approximately 30 minutes (the amount of time it would take me to get to the mall, find parking, and get to the store).  Good luck with the deals! ^_^

the vacation... does it need to be over this soon?

Very soon this short vacation is over and I will have to go back to the old place where things ... are things.

The next rotation is going to be quite gruesome as I've heard Internal Medicine is not easy.  Am I ready for it? Probably yes.  But before going into this rotation, there are things I need to sort out.  I need to at least set my priority straight for the next 6 months.

The project needs to be done and work... when you have a priority, something else need to be sit in the backseat, right?

another sunday

On day like this I wish you were here.  I wonder what you would tell me.  What is worse than remembering the last word you said... not the most comforting...your scared voice... the frustration and the fear...I only wish you were here but whenever I turn you're not here. And I know you will never be here...you will never get to listen to my story... and I will never get to listen to your story...
as always ...
we meet and greet
we play our parts
then we part our ways...

as transient as life can be....

once in a while...you feel like things aren't going to be alright.

I've learned much this month... not clinically but how to work with others and how the world really is.




Many advices that I can't even sum them all up.  But then again..I want to pack and just move somewhere...somewhere far...

As busy as the last month has been... I find myself following something ...chasing something...pleasing something...but in the end...you just want more and more...but don't we all always pursue something?

Someone told me recently...does it matter? it doesn't matter because everyone will die the same...does it matter how much money you make? everyone will die in the end...

Not that I agree completely...I do think there is a difference between trying to change and relying on fate alone.

I'm not even sure what I'm writing anymore...just take me somewhere..

I miss the time in Japan and long to be back there ... I just long to take a trip to somewhere I can just start to learn everything all over again...can i do that?   like an endless circle...no beginning..no ending..

rainy thursday

...
work work work..busy but happy....
can't wait until the weekend!

is it the final morning

from time to time...you will be walking in the lonely alley realizing the time has passed and turned around seeing no one but a shadow with the moon...



what journey doesn't have the end you said...even though it might have been the end, the memory will last as long as it is kept...as long as from time to time it is touched.

Having the final of the final yesterday...realizing it is another milestone and there are many more to overcome which make you think...once a milestone is set...you are reaching for another one...like a circle, we circle around

final of the final

would you come to a place you are not welcome?

the cycle

Japan is experiencing one of the most heartfelt stories of the year. Its nuclear reactor might experience a meltdown.

I'm here ... and might be experiencing a meltdown myself. Why does it always have to be like this... we know nothing is certain for the fact... the thought of leaving it all is there...being in it is suffocating... or am i refusing to back down? greediness?



sometimes you just don't know what you want to do and you just continue to go through cycles of up and down ...

..

they said you never can be back to the past... i guess it's true time and time again..
i guess the end is coming soon...sorry
tomorrow is a new day

if opportunity never comes

Often times we complain about how such opportunities don't knock on our doors. Just don't forget... we all have the abilities to create opportunities...

is it the weekend?

This is the weekend..but I feel that I still have a lot to do..

planning to work a bit this weekend.. professionally and on other things ^_^



Glad to know the site has more than 14K visitors.  Guess what from Jan to Feb.... 50% increase.. what shall I say? surprised? probably but anyway...it just means i have to work harder ^_^

the weekend of work ... and the week will start with more work! :)

a lazy sunday

On  a day like this... I thank the people have given all the love and care... at times I might not be the best person you talk to... the best person who will listen to you attentively... but truly I have appreciated everything that has been given to me.




until next time when I see you again...

night late night

at times I wish I had 48 hours a day instead of 24 hours.  My body probably will function just fine.  How is it that this semester has been going by so fast that I can't even remember...It was just a month ago when we started school.  Now we're about 2.5 months left before going on rotation.
it's a bit crazy to think about how fast things will go by...
then next I have to make another decision... another crossroad...

new year...new mood? a joke

if only i could predict the lottery number as well as i predict my mood a few days later...


in darkness night falls
in sorrow rain drops
of the morning to set
crackle midnight dew
hazy morning mist
settles past playground

thinking

just can't stop thinking about next year...
so much to do...so little time...
at least i don't have to move...it's a good thing.
at time like this...i can only say..."snap it out"
busy busy...who said third year is easy? I can't believe how much work we have to do...but i guess it's preparing us for next year...but tentatively...i'm not sure it will be extremely helpful

dropping or keeping..decision decision...

happy new year? did I say it already? can't remember!
I've decided to drop a class... i know ...it's crazy but I do feel that I should do it instead of trying to do it.
I want to do something else...may my intuition be the correct one!!!!