destress?

I always do things on my volitions... most of the time people can't force me do the things I don't want to do..
I decide it's about time to call. It's a weird feeling that you get...the urge to call as if the chances are getting slimmer and slimmer...

you can't sit waiting for the time to come...the time is now ^_^

excitement

.....just book the hotel..I can't contain my excitement...

this is going to be a very interesting trip because I can't speak the language I speak and they can't speak the language I speak...
but then again..I'm super excited!!!

i know i'm becoming OCD because I write down places...time and etc... i know I'm ocd from time to time

what time is it?

as I see the ideas rolling through my eyes...as though I should take credits or work for certain companies...
I'm in a position now that I could...potentially offer something creative without being ridiculed for being a bit too crazy..a bit to forward...and what's best...I don't have to have the requirement to build it from scratch.

Using existing tools and innovation to create something new and useful...with this..I'm determined to write to propose.  Who knows in the end at least I know what and how to write a proposal.  At least I'm not afraid to be heard.  But then again..it might make people scared and threatened. but if you are, you should not be so because I'm not there to take your job.  I help make your job look better!

Are you where you are?

Once in a while...you would read something and it makes you think...(no I'm not talking about my homework, my required readings or my notes)...but I randomly read articles talking about random thing...




Recently read an article (just posted today) about how a wandering mind can make you unhappy.


It's an interesting concept, idea, or even a hypothesis.  However, it's been long known in some traditions.  


At least in the practice that I've known, focusing on completing a single task is what people learn to do in meditation practice.  As you sit observing your breath, you also observe your mind.  How would your beautiful mind run around like a maniac trying to find things to do...trying to find something to occupy when a task at hand is already determined.  All it needs to do is observing a single breath out and a single breath in. 


As simple as the task sounds, it is not an easy task.  Have you ever noticed how fast your mind processes a certain information?  How can a mind process the information so fast? through memories? through repetitions?  through familiar circumstances?  everything that you have done...is there in the mind.....you might not know it but it's there.  Given the right circumstances, they will resurface without you knowing it. 


The article touches on the surface of the wandering mind....yes there is so much more to it...but I like what one of the researchers said :"“I find it kind of weird now to look down a crowded street and realize that half the people aren’t really there,”


As much as we don't want to admit...it's so true...half of us or more than half of us are not there...why is it so?  We're there physically but our minds are not there.  How many times you sit in a car, in a bus and instead of knowing that you are sitting...you are thinking...what's for dinner...what's for tomorrow...how to solve a problem at work...


We are constantly occupied.  I am no exception.  I am constantly occupied.  However, once in a while, when taking a minute out of the busy...if you can just focus on one single thing...no matter what it is...just do it...your mind will calm down...and be at one with your body...then you will realize what peace is all about...


Maybe we are never at peace with ourselves because our mind and our body talk at the same time but in different subjects.  May we say, they aren't synced? When the music is not synced correctly, the sound might not be as pleasant.  And depending on out unsynced the two are, the sound might be not too be or really bad.  


So...take a moment of your life...even just a minute...focus on one thing...just one thing... close your eyes...and listen to your breath...observing your breath...you will see...what your mind is doing...but just note it...don't let your mind take control...your body needs attention as well.  So then...just practice...one by one...bit by bit...eventually, just like a piano once adjusted, the sound will be extremely beautiful.


It will show...the reflection of the mind...in the body. :)

good weekend

I haven't written anything for a long time..it's been quite busy.

Busy in terms of: I've been busy studying...busy writing my other blog, busy getting back to editing photos (how I love them!)

Work has been fine actually.  Not as hectic and I find I'm not interested in my hobby than work now (especially when I have to research about a specific topic, can someone pay me to do this?!)

I enjoy writing very much (especially when I have to look at different sources!)

I don't enjoy school as much as I used to.  I guess at this stage, I'm more inclined to finish and graduate..and move on with life.  Only that I haven't been sure about what I want to do.

A friend announced that she's pregnant again with a second child.  I'm definitely very happy for her. Congratulations!

My creativity is keeping me busy with different self-proposed projects.  We'll see how it goes.  When you're not an expert in something, the more you work at it, the more you become familiar and eventually you'll be just as skillful.

I notice that in the many things that I do.  I'm in no way an expert in anything at this point.  But as I work toward it, I'm getting better and the improvement is a nice thing to see.

Anyway, I should go to bed....
love this

it's only fall...

I guess this song said it all...
every time...someone lost someone...your memories just keep coming back...I wonder when I will be able to just really move on...

night night

do what you love...love what you do..you will not feel tired...and even if you do, it's the satisfaction that counts.. ^_^

everytime I'm tired...the thought of writing something there just makes me happy. Even when I'm running against time, writing something there makes me feel better. At least I get one thing of the list.

The most important is I always learn something :)

I promise to make a better videoe...I don't have time to find a good one.

another night

I don't get whether I am today w/o hard work...

yeah...whatever you want to do...once you put your mind into it, you will do it...
at first, it might not be perfect...but really who's perfect?
you need to not be perfect in order to find a different solution to the same problem...

positive attitude

this is what i learn through hard lesson

positive attitude will get you far..
if you fail, just try harder
if you fail again, reassess your situation
if you fail again, reevaluate your strategy
if you fail again, re-map your thought process
if you fail again, it might have been a bad idea to start w/ :D

a thought comes a thought goes

i'm studying...hard...
been working this weekend..+ studying...+ sleeping ...

suddenly realize...the thought about one of the things that I do makes me really happy and excited...I guess I should continue ^_^
Music from one of my favorite movies (cost me lots of tears :D)

gorgeous saturday---

it's like...saturday...beautiful...gorgeous weather..
so i understand why i'm working, studying, and working and studying...
it feels as if ... pure entertainment is no longer entertained.

once you change a mindset...you change a mindset...
eventually it might either go back or move forward...

love the weather
love the fall expectation
love the sun...
and it's true as well that i love my work... i love my studying....not that I enjoy exam but it's something have to get done before you practice...so I just have to deal with it.

Hopefully...next week will be better but I guess it might not be so because...until thanksgiving, i have 3 exams, 1 project, 2 essays and other work-related things to do. :)

life is fun...life is beautiful...for a workaholic person

Maybe - by Yiruma...maybe I will make a video for these beautiful music... (yeah when I find time...but then working is sometimes part of my entertainment...)

...

once in a while... you start writing a letter that never gets finished...
it happens today...I start writing..then realizing...what's the point...
strange day...strange week...strange month...

almost the end of october...with lots of memories

Has it past midnight...
has it really been two years already?  I checked my calendar today and there it is...an event that I sometimes forget...
I don't think words can describe how I am feeling...
I know I will always remember...even though I don't show it to others.

Only if I know where you are...but then again...I'm sure you are in good hand...
this marks the second year... life without you has been different.  I still love you much because you always give me strengths and courage.

Knowing you, living with you, learning from you, being your child...all of these are my blessings.. and more than ever I know even though you never said it, you love me...yeah this I know

with love

a fall night

I guess we all have our little secrets.

Today I've learned of a secret that I can't tell. In a way, I'm glad I wasn't surprised when I heard about it.  Was I hurt that I didn't know? No of course.  It's a secret and everyone is entitled to have one or two or more.  But it must be tiresome to keep all the secret to yourself.

Ever since I start to grow up, I learn that the more secret you know, the more burdensome things will become.  It's better to live a life with light heart.  It's not like you will bury yourself in your own little world.  It's just you don't have know everyone's secret to live. You have your own life that you need to tend to.  Why would you want to bother yourself with others?  I hope this is called growing up and I am staying away from the word "jaded" because of its negative connotation.

We tend to live our life thinking about what we think is the best.  I am not exception.  Many times I have tried to be better.  I know my bossy way can get in the way sometimes but in certain circumstances, I am not afraid to make decision because things need to move on.  Yes, I have had problems with things going in the unwanted directions but I always have to remind myself, in many cases, I can't control everything.  Rather than thinking about the losses, it's better to focus on the gain.  And if there is no gain, neutral is fine as well.

Today I learn that sometimes it's better to let things go.  It's better to not cling about the emotion.  But I'm just afraid, will I ever forget what it means to be hurt again?  They said no emotion is immuned to habitual.  Maybe one day I will really just look at it and let it go.

it's official!

It's official!!! I'm going to go to my first choice for rotation!!! SO happy!! I know many of my friends don't get their first choice. I wish it was different for them. But I can't hide how happy I am. Finally I don't have to drive home every weekend!! ^_^

sleep sleep

it's about time to go to sleep...

and this is my destresser!

i can do it

I'll be telling myself in the next 24 hours that..I can do this....
just a test (30%)
a presentation (10%)
a quiz (2%)
it's just that...there are more materials than I think...but i think i can do it ^_^

beautiful saturday but I'm not part of it

On a beautiful day like this..i'm sitting here studying for my test on monday...
wish Monday was over already ^_^
Korean language is intriguing. At time, it's so easy but sometimes the nuance is hard to get.  I try to learn but I wonder whether I should take a course to learn the basic.  Always like language but it's hard to learn Korean here.

laugh or no laugh

this must be crazy.
I'm looking @ FDC and thinking fixed dose combination
I'm looking @ omg and thinking it's omega-3 fatty acid!!!

realizing..

... just realize...
if you want to reach your potential, you have to work on it...
dreamy dream...dreamy wish...dreamy questions will lead you to where you want to be...only action can ^_^

on the day like this

I don't know whether it's because of age... as you get older, you start to witness the departure of the one you love and know...but every since 2008, I have known of several.  I wonder whether it is going to become a ritual.  You hear people pass away every day in the news.  But they are not the ones you know most of the time.  Once in awhile, a tragic incidence will stir your heart.  Once in a while, you drop a tear.  Once in a while, you will reflect upon it.  Once in a while, you start to work to become a better person, toward the goal that you make.
At time like this, I realize...how short our life is.  Trying to hold on to everything...trying to hold on to the moment...but once the last breath leaves the body...the moment has stopped.

Such parting is part of life.  As we continue to grow older, life is giving us means to get accustom to it.  But most of the time, our emotion is stronger than our mind.  It is so much easier to flow with the emotion.  To cry our heart out, to scream on the top of our lung, and to hide away in the corner.

Time passes by...love passes by...what will you bring with you on the day you leave?  the accumulation of your action...

written for a friend

Writing for a friend...



I initially want to write about our memories, the moments we shared, the laughters, the tears and the stories.  Only then I suddenly realized, this is not a story about how a friendship matured.  Instead, it is about the legacy of determination and love that I would like to not only remember but tell others. Dear K.B, you might not have known but your existence in our life gave us strength and made us realized how fragile but at the same time beautiful life was.  Because of people like you, the world has become a bit nicer and better.

Once I first knew you, I did not know what you had gone through in the past.  A person in front of me was a young, lively, smart and beautiful person who happened to have the same sense of humor as I did.  Our friendship started.  Talks after talks, you finally opened up and told me about your story which strangely gave me strength to overcome the hardship I was experiencing at the time.  An illness once thought cured suddenly came back when you were about to live the dream of your life.  Your courage to go against all-odds is admired and respected.

Being a pharmacist, this was your dream.  Once you told me, school helped easing the thoughts of being unable to do things and to do the things you loved.  And you continued to do so until the very last time.  Seeing you in school a few weeks ago, all I could do was to give you a hug.  You carefully showed me how you had been studying.  Holding your "Nook", you continued to learn and told me "Nook" was a wonderful tool.  You told me you were interested in the student group that I was in and would like to go to the meeting next time.  Only that I have not gotten chance to send you information about our next meeting.

You introduced your Dad,  a parent whose tenacity I admired.  I don't know if you know but secretly he was probably very proud of his daughter because even though it was hard, she was thriving in P-school and earned respect from every classmate that she was friend with.  For you, K's Dad,  I understand it was never easy to see your loved one sufferings but you held up strongly. May I say this determination and strong-will run in your family?  Did K. happen to take this great quality after you?  Because she never thought about failure.  For it, it was the way and as long as she could, she would continue.

K, Your presence reminded me to never underestimate human's ability to overcome even the hardest part of one's life.  Last semester was hard, wasn't it K?  Seeing you falling from time to time, it made me wonder what I should do if I was to contract the same illness.  It is not an easy question.  I might cry a lot.  I might complain how life is so unfair.  I might end up being psychotic.  But you showed me a different option.  You showed me that no matter what happens, what matters most is to continue to do what you love to do and follow your passion. You show me to believe in one's self because it will give me strength to continue the path ahead.  With that my friend, I am glad to be your friend.  I am glad that I believe in the things that happen or the people that we encounter in life sometimes are for reasons.  Because even though you are no longer here with us, your wonderful characteristics and attitude in life will continue to contribute to our growth and understandings of others.

So thank you for striking up the conversation and late night calls.

I hope you are in good hand now.  You will be greatly missed...

With love,

...

night night

It's getting colder now...the temperature has dropped dramatically.
I love the crisp clear air.  In the future, when I move, this is what I would miss.
I want to write something but no word could describe the feeling clearly...
sometimes we just have to let things be...
you learn to stand up, you learn to fall down, and then stand back up again.
dedication they said will lead you somewhere.  I guess it's true.
I remember back in grade school, my erratic behavior was showing in school grade.  It was an instance when I literally scored probably one of the lowest scores in the entire class.  Then I turned it around and scored much better...the change was significant enough to be mentioned in front of the class (such recognition)...It's nice to hear the good grade but the not-so-good one...why he couldn't keep it to himself.
I realize things don't come to me easily.  Everything has to be hard work.  Whether it's memorizing, writing and talking to people, everything is a learning process.  When will we ever stop learning?  I don't know.  I guess we always learn from the day we were formed to the day we are ready to leave...

sent

sometimes...you just need to get something out of the system in order for the new one to come in...
i'm writing it now...
and ..send I did...

nice day but ...

sometimes i wonder..what it is like to live without a purpose...when looking at the world...there is no much to hold on too...
the fantasy of good memories, good future...come and go..then realize...yeah i'm tired...
all the good thing comes to an end at some points.
while i'm encouraged with progress at work, at school, and at many different levels...
the feeling is just sometimes empty...rising up again and again... then realize...until when i should stop?  is there even a stopping point...such thoughts sometimes are contradictory.
i guess i live my life in such a way that it's so contradictory in many levels and feeling lost in it is just so normal.
every moment is the end of the previous one, the one that we will never be able to take back.
i decide to drop the H-project.  and i am planning to write a letter because we can't meet face to face.  after all, my enthusiasm about it has waned long ago.

Such time, a misfit is still a misfit.

rain just comes and comes

something definitely happen today..which I find interesting.
Things that could have set me off in fire and could have made me think negatively about a person do not really bother me as much.
I guess I learn repeatedly not to expect anything from others.  With no expectation, there is obviously no disappointment or sadness

rain rain rain

it's raining hard today...it's been raining like this for a long time.  I'm glad it is because we have a drought here!
this also means...fall is coming. the temperature for next week is going to be in the mid-70s. I can't wish for a better temp only that I have to study for a test on Friday! Sweet! huh?
I can't give up now...I've come a long way to give it all up ... I can go on and move forward...even though it's going to be a hard choice... could be an unconventional choice that might lead to no where...
being part of this particular group has given me so much headache even though I don't do anything ( i can't attend meeting/seminar)...I'm just tired in general... So I decide...it's better to leave than to stay...no matter how much i think about it, it's the only way...sorry...but my brain will no longer feeling guilty about not going to the meeting...my feeling will no longer be sad...and should I say sorry...
repeated exposures of certain statements have made me decided...it's the best I can do at this point..

thanks for the rain ^_^


realizing I like this song better ^_^

ki saram

This song is so endearing in so many ways... all I know is...the title of the song: "that person"
A person who makes you cry, makes you laugh, and makes you appreciate your life.  I know I'm very lucky

priority?

in life...there are choices that we make...we all hope with our best judgement, we will make the best choice for the moment (doesn't matter whether it's right or wrong because it's so subjective to the people who perceive it).

I start writing it during the summer time...and for many months, I still haven't finished it.  I guess it doesn't need to be 200 pages ( why fill it w/ lots of words that could be described in less)...

I think I will finish it...

need to prioritize...I guess I really need to listen to my feeling... ^_^

thinking about a friend..

i know i'm supposed to be studying for the test but i can't help but keep thinking about you.
our time together was short.  I met and talked to you occasionally.  I was glad to be able to know and as i learn more about how much you've gone through, I admire your tenacity.  It's more than anyone can imagine.
I personally don't know yet what I should do if I am in your situation.
Meeting you a couple a week ago in the hallway brought both joy and a slight sadness.  You're still upbeat and surrounded with a wonderful and supportive family.  Today I learned about your condition and can only hope you are not suffering as much.  It's a painful process...meeting and departing...

fall is almost here

today i learned an important lesson..."don't let hate and anger dominate your heart because it will drag you down"
for the past couple days, my heavy heart couldn't breath.  I couldn't understand why it acted the way it did.  Just because one person did an honest thing to me, it dragged me down because of false accusation...because I feel that I needed to vindicated myself.  However, it got worse and worse by the day.  Then I realize...it doesn't really matter..I let it go...I know it's not right of what they did but I let it go and live my life.

my life can't revolve around thinking about how to better represent myself...i can't work my life into thinking one day the bad will get what they ask for.

just let it be  ^_^

happy now

it doesn't rain today...

at times...it's better to the way it is...after all...no one wants to get hurt over..and over..and over again...

talking with a smile...

learning to live without expectation...again and again...

...
it's almost like a mask...i smile..
to hide..the pain it takes to cry
over the aching heart scarring with time...

will it rain today?

once in a while...you just realize how lonely this world has become...even when you're surrounded by people  or you're by yourself...solitary is a feeling...not just an environment...

the obstacle in life...

sometimes...people try to break you...try to hunt you down...but then you realize...they can't even look at you in the eyes when they talk to you... guess what ...they're scared...wait and see...i'll get there...nice and square...i'll be there...because i know you won't succeed...

what is it that rings?

It rains..it flows…it floods…

It falls…it pains…it hurts…

It tries…stay still…to stop…

Only…memories it says…

Will stay…

randomness

i run..i breath...i smile
at the sun, the moon, under the sky
i try...get hurt...and cry...
only later to realize
it's such a beautiful life
the lies...the touch...the mind...
in all this heart love lies...

do you ever say what you mean?

what i've learned...
people usually don't say what they mean... and seeing it repeatedly every single day just tires me out.  it's about time to stop coming... it's about time to say good bye maybe for good...yeah it's probably the best way out... i don't belong here in the first place....enough said.

once in a while

one day... i will turn off the phone, switch off the PC and ignore electronic communication...
almost feeling like needing to hide in the forest or somewhere ... such is time....
they said...human interactions can be sometimes toxic because your brain can't switch off the interactive modes...constantly being bombarded with information, interactions...
maybe i should find a temple somewhere to just go and hide there...to regroup...to relearn what i've learned...
tired..

how long has it been?

like the river i flow
like the wind I whistle
like the forest i stand
quite quietly through time...

i haven't written a poem in ages....but..all of a sudden they just come and come...

temporary thing

....
they said...depression and sadness are states of mind....
just like other states of mind, they are subject to change....

just meditate on it... it will go away... one by one...bit by bit

when it hits you hard, just realize it's only temporary.  just like with everything in life, it is only a temporary thing.

happiness

of the places that i've been to.. of the things that i've learned...
the most important thing is...happiness is coming from within .. ^_^

first week of school

I was listening to the following song recently...

Little did I know the lyric is right there...I love the music..the beat...




somehow it makes me think..is it time to grow up yet?  it's been almost 2 years now...things have changed...I have changed...busier, messier, crazier...but I've learned so so so much....

I truly can't be any happier to all the things that have been happening to me.  Of course, the down side of life is always there.  The parting is always hard.  The meeting is always nice. Life moves on.  We move on from one thing to another thing.  Once in a while, we look back and think about how far we have come... once in a while, we stop and realize life has so much to offer.

not a social butterfly myself, sometimes I wonder what I've missed out.  We tend to think about what we might have missed and forget about what we might have gained.

I miss the sales at the stores, but I ended up finishing the project at work.  I might miss attending the party but I ended up receiving many life lessons...

"whatever you decide to do, just make sure you're comfortable with it."

Many times I do things compulsively...only to realize what I did that. Learn from my mistakes, I try again.
This time, I've been doing the other blog for more than 2 months now and each day I've learned so much and at the same time..giving me satisfaction.

I'm currently working on a project in which I have to learn about different statistical test. I wish I could take a class to just focus on it... they offer it but it's extremely cost prohibiting..not only that  I have to fly there 5 times a semester...who would have the money to do that?  not me...but it's on my plan to be able to do that one day because I think I start to realize my dream....I think I'm getting closer to define what I want to do... of course, it will be subject to change but hey it's ok.

A friend comments on my career prospect: you know you like different things, you do different things, but there is a core in each and everything you do...they point to the same direction: what to do with the data at hand.

yeah that's what I want to do. Now I only need to learn how to get to the level that I want to get...oh and which path I need to go.

best of luck....

first week of school

I was listening to the following song recently...

Little did I know the lyric is right there...I love the music..the beat...




somehow it makes me think..is it time to grow up yet?  it's been almost 2 years now...things have changed...I have changed...busier, messier, crazier...but I've learned so so so much....

I truly can't be any happier to all the things that have been happening to me.  Of course, the down side of life is always there.  The parting is always hard.  The meeting is always nice. Life moves on.  We move on from one thing to another thing.  Once in a while, we look back and think about how far we have come... once in a while, we stop and realize life has so much to offer.

not a social butterfly myself, sometimes I wonder what I've missed out.  We tend to think about what we might have missed and forget about what we might have gained.

I miss the sales at the stores, but I ended up finishing the project at work.  I might miss attending the party but I ended up receiving many life lessons...

"whatever you decide to do, just make sure you're comfortable with it."

Many times I do things compulsively...only to realize what I did that. Learn from my mistakes, I try again.
This time, I've been doing the other blog for more than 2 months now and each day I've learned so much and at the same time..giving me satisfaction.

I'm currently working on a project in which I have to learn about different statistical test. I wish I could take a class to just focus on it... they offer it but it's extremely cost prohibiting..not only that  I have to fly there 5 times a semester...who would have the money to do that?  not me...but it's on my plan to be able to do that one day because I think I start to realize my dream....I think I'm getting closer to define what I want to do... of course, it will be subject to change but hey it's ok.

A friend comments on my career prospect: you know you like different things, you do different things, but there is a core in each and everything you do...they point to the same direction: what to do with the data at hand.

yeah that's what I want to do. Now I only need to learn how to get to the level that I want to get...oh and which path I need to go.

best of luck....

unexpected resolution!

realizing...
my brain is working non-stop because...unexpectedly I come up w/ a solution for my recording. ^_^ wonderful...now I can actually continue doing it w/o hiccup ^_^

the end of summer is really here...

so school starts tomorrow for some of us.  For me, it doesn't start until Wednesday.  I wonder by taking a different route (quite different from other), I made the right decision.   It's not easy knowing all your friends are taking therapy classes and you are here taking what you think are interesting.
I guess I just need to walk straight to the next destination.  who knows what will happen.
let's just pray for the good thing to come ^_^

summer ending

I think I know what I want in life... I think I know I have to work hard to get to where I want...sometimes the doubts just creep in...let's just be brave and move forward ^_^

the ending summer part 2

Im sitting thinking...wow my intuition is pretty good...
i have to trust it more and more from now one obvious w/ good conscience.
Sometimes, the energy that you project really tells what kind of person you are whether you know it or not.  It's a wonderful and interesting feeling to notice time and time again how correct these things are.  (okie not 100% but at least 90%).

Proceed w/ caution...at least I know for now...trust my intuition because it has failed me much...
bracing for the worse but at the same ...joining the venture challenge is just as an amazing feeling.  I've never felt so much energy and belief in doing such things.  I hope it will give me good perspective on how things are going. After all, I'm not moving across the country and spending the past years I mean years studying and working for nothing (obviously for many years, working hard for no obvious reasons), but now maybe it's a hope? ^_^

We'll see what happen ...summer is almost over now... time to get ready to charge into the next term

random #?

It's a cloudy day...oh and school is almost about to begin...
What a summer it has been.  So busy but so much fun.  I've enjoyed every bit of it.  Not a single moment, not a single project goes by uninterested.  On top, I am truly able to do something that I truly enjoy.  Learning about it along the way has been a great experience.

oh and it's raining now...what a strange day...listening to the music about the falling raining just couldn't make it a better suitable topic.

My vacation will start next weekend... I can't wait to see my little nephew.  he must be bigger now. Hearing his voice and his parents' joy over the phone, I can't be happier.  I know I need to open my heart more...to love all beings...sometimes it takes a rational decision to do so and slowly, bits by bits, I will be able to do so.

if you don't love something or if you hate something, it might be better just to look at it, I don't hate this...the feeling will go away, and next time when you see it again, it's just an object that you encounter.

this post is so random without any topics/details etc.

When the conversation took place...

Today...I take a break to breathe, to learn, and just to be..
Our car broke down and needed to have it fixed in order to get back home.  As we waited for it in the garage, we asked to be shuttled to the nearby mall for some food.  On our way back, the conversation was more than I asked for.  I always learn to appreciate new things or old things no matter what it is.

Our driver is probably in his late fifty if not early sixty.  I asked him whether he had lunch.  He said yes.  He ate a bit and he had lost a few pounds in the past few months.  I asked him whether it's for health reasons.  He told us about his medical condition.  It turned out he had myeloid leukemia, a blood cancer disorder.  Diagnosed more than 10 years ago, a bone marrow transplant lasted him for 3 years.  Remission and then rounds of chemotherapy.  He has survived for 10 years...until this year when the disease starts to crop up once again threatening to take his life away.  As I sat listening to his story, I asked about his family.  He said he had 4 children.  It reminded me of you Daddy only that you have less than 4 months from the time of diagnosis to the time you passed away.  His cracking voice touched my heart and I almost let down the tears thinking his family must be praying for his survival right now.  As we approached our destination, he told us to stay safe and have a good trip.  I wish him to have another 10 years.  I wonder what will happen to him.  He said he has survived for 10 years and he really wishes to have another 10.  I do hope so.

Live healthily, live happily...I do wish you have another 10 years....I do wish by then you don't have to worry about your remission and if you really have to go, I wish it will be as pain free as it could possibly be.

Best

the ending summer

Summer almost comes to an end... it's been a wonderful ride and I wonder what I can take with me and what I can leave behind.  It's a summer that I probably won't forget.  I've learned new things.  I've tried new ventures.  I've welcomed the challenge and at the same thinking...am I doing the right things?  I spend most weekends away just to be away from work, away from all the responsibilities that are ahead. Sometimes I do wonder, whether I would regret about all the energy I put in the work.  But then again, I've gained so much, learned so much, and understood things so much more than I thought.  

Goodbye is always a sad word that I wouldn't want to utter...do i really have to say goodbye to this summer?  Isn't it an irrelevant question? who am I to keep this summer from moving forward...most of all, I don't think I have the power to stop it moving forward....

all I can do is to let it be...let it be what it is supposed to be... and this just reminds me...nothing lasts forever...and sometimes it's ok.  

just a few more weeks...

just a self-note

hello!!  Long time!!!

It's been crazily busy but I'm handling it well or at least I hope so.
Swimming does have a great effect on the body.  Every time after a tired day, a 30 minute swim could destress and gives life a new fresh look.

I was so tired today after staring at the computer for 10 hours.  On top of this, Microsoft decides to delete my file without telling that it is going to do so...had I known I could have copy and paste it...oh well...life is such.  I just need to retype the 12 page monograph that's all..yeah that's all.

The weather has been grilling here.  It's hot hot hot...there are days when it reaches 95 with a humidity of at least 80%  ....it definitely makes it hard to breath...but it's okie..this soon will pass...welcome fall...but where are you now? ^_^

I just realize....every time things happen...I look in the mirror and say...hum...just smile...smile...smile...and yeah things will become better...

So put on a smile, take a step forward, and be happy ^_^

It's Father Day!

Happy Father Day...

I bought you a card but wonder whether I should mail it..but then again where should I mail it?  Can you give me an address so I can send it to you?

I've been busy in the last several weeks.  Having two jobs is no easy task.  I'm constantly on the run if not..constantly reading, typing, and discussing.  I love both of them.  Each gives me a perspective on things I want and don't want to do.  Daddy, I think I choose the right field to study.  As for future profession, I don't know.  This degree gives me a good background, opens many doors, and helps me make some good friends.  So I'm happy that I am where I am.  Through mistakes and trials, I finally think I'm heading to the right directions.  All the past unsuccessful events give me strength to move forward and to try new things.  I'm becoming more comfortable with myself but not a hundred percent.  You do know about my problems with fat...and yes I eat constantly.  So I wonder why I'm gaining weight! @_@.  You will probably scold me for being worried about it too much.  But you know how much clothes I have...changing the entire closet is not what I have in mind at this point unless you support the change of course! ^_^

How are you now?  Sister is almost ready...you know you're going to have a little grandson, aren't you?  He's very cute.  She shows me his pictures and he's so adorable.  I'm very happy for him because he's so loved by everyone.  It almost reminds me of you because you're loved by everyone.  The little boy and yeah he's so precious.  I wonder if you have a chance, what you would name him?  They have already chosen a name for him and it's so beautiful...just like the parents.  I know for many times you would trade anything to hold him tight, to put him to sleep, to take him to games, and to attend his every event...I know you would. But you aren't here ... and it's okie.  Rest well and I hope your journey is going well wherever you head to.

Happy Father Day Daddy ^_^

Your spoiled and lovely child ^_^

summer 2010...starting? ending? in progress?

it's Sunday morning...the weather is beautiful outside...looking from the inside..I'm sure it's really hot out there...but it's okie... I'm inside..
So summer vacation is supposed to start soon but my schedule has filled with work from day 1 to the last day of summer school.
The more I think about it, the more I realize..I'm so lucky.  I get to do what I really enjoy.
My job in the industry really fits me well.  The working environment is great. It's also great seeing how people interact with each other.  It's great to learn about others.  How you say certain...you reflect upon it...
The dynamic relationship in the office is also pretty awesome as well. ^_^
it's going to be a busy summer but I think I'm starting to fall in love with it even more...

...

been slacking off... I need to get my act together soon....

this week can't come and go any faster...

swimming has been great...love the therapeutic swimming session in the past few days ^_^ 

only if my mood has been better..

all shall pass...like a saying...nothing stays forever, even happiness, even sadness..all shall pass...

writing...

after many years, we've arrived at the same crossroads.
In the past or so I've been following this Korean Drama called "Cinderella's Sister."
The series contain all the emotions that most of us going through at least once in a while.  While watching it, I can't help but thinking to myself... yeah I can relate to that.
Is there a prince charming? Is there a god mother?  Is there a chance to change everything to make things better? 
I would say there are many unexpected twisted and turns and that make the story so much better than the predictable normal romantic comedy that have been becoming more mainstream.  Add a little bit laughter, a bit of romantic, a bit of misery, and a bit of good attracting actors and actresses then come a drama.
But this one is so different.  All the actors and actresses possess their roles as though they are their own life.
Each and every scene has significant story to tell. 
Their are several main characters in the story
Eun-jo: a little girl who followed her Mom wherever she went because she was the only one family member that she got to know. 
Ki-hoon:  a neglected ill. child from a rich family whose family often wanted him dead than alive.
The two lost found each other but never confessed that they loved each other until one day one went missing... until one day.. all the secrets were revealed...
the tear drops from each of them spoke more than words.
Many times we look back and see ourselves standing at the same crossroads. 
The directors purposely reenacted many scenes from the past with the current conditions... seeing how each characters growed from their pain, their love, trying to reach for their happiness I wonder about it myself.
How many times I'm going through the same emotions and yes each time it's so different because I'm a different person at each time.  Compared to 10 years ago, 8 years ago, 6 years ago, 4 years, or 2 years ago, the decisions are made differently each time because you are no longer the same person why would you be the same when you are growing each day from learning, from experience, from others.
It's almost 2 years... and yesterday I bought a father day card...

sick sick

So I'm staying at home today after reporting to work.  Was orderd to go home and rest.
Stomach doesn't feel good.  Everything doesn't feel good.  can't eat anything to make me feel good.  This is a horrible feeling when your tummy keeps on making uneasy noises.
They said there is a stomach flu going around.  I guess I just happen to catch it somehow.  They said the eggs I ate yesterday were not good.
and yeah i always eat the wrong thing when i'm sick!

it's midnight, isn't it?

...should I just ask to go home early?


As you know I'm sitting here writing in thee middle of the night because I .. inadvertently could not sleep the entire night.  Wonder why?  I have digestion problems so all the foods I ate left undigested for the entire evening.  Wonder what happens?  oh throw up episode of course.
I don't think I've thrown up this hard in my life as far as I could remember (if these words make any senses)...
It's crazy and it hurts.  My throat hurts.  The acid taste is too strong for me to go back to sleep so I sit here sleepless and writing.
Without knowing what to write....
Note to self: today only fluid diets, no gym today... that means I might not go for dinner w/ housemates since this will be their last nights here.
Note to self: throwing up is not fun. 
Note to self: needs to eat less (as though I eat a lot).  I blame it on my weak digestive system. I guess now I have an excuse to not eat a whole lot because... the next thing I know I will head to the toilet bowl in no time!

third week update

so this is my third week into rotation.  I have to say I wouldn't have asked for a better rotation site, preceptor.  this place is totally perfect for me.  The preceptor is understanding and nice.  All the people here are just as wonderful.
My MTM session is tomorrow.  Meaning: I will prepare the material about what to tell the patient and what not to tell the patient.
My patient has some compliance issues but I will try my best to see if I can help with anything.  It's exciting but at the same time I feel as though my passion is not here.  I am glad that I am able to do it though.  There is something else that is capturing my mind more than medication therapy management and I think I am leaning toward it more now.  It's still a long shot but we will see what will happen in the future.
I've recently contacted the director at the wellness center near home... yes that is how things get done sometimes unfortunately. well, the employees who work there don't know what kind of pool they have and give me the wrong answer which led to the email that I sent to the director about changing their current pool condition.  In any case, he replied and said they no longer use chlorine! YES!!! So I think I will probably join the gym for sure! I love swimming and nothing gives me better workout beside yoga and stretching.
They have classes that I can attend as well so it's pretty neat.  We will see!
Work is going just fine.  I've been working while on rotation.  Wish the internet was better because I will have gotten more things done but it's okie.  Everything is caught up now.  It's not too bad! 
I admit that I'm quite a workaholic nowadays but it makes me happy.  ^_^


The prospect of finishing up this rotation makes me happy.  I was worried but I didn't have to.  My preceptor made it better.  The site is awesome.  Free food throughout the day.  Free gym for the entire stay.  I couldn't have asked for a better rotation site! ^_^

Need to go to sleep now.  It's been a tiring 2 weeks. 

another week

It still hurts sometimes when I think about it...
The pharmacy is fine today.  It's not busy but steady.  I finished printing out the flyers for the MTM section.  I'm a little bit excited and yeah there are a lot of things to do as well. 
Supposed to have dinner with M. tomorrow but she hasn't called yet . Wonder whether it's still on.  Maybe I should write her an email or something.
I still need to do the poster...
I'm half way done with my rotation already... amazing how time flies.
oh I get to eat a lot of strawberries these days for free.
anticipating another batch tomorrow ^_^
loving it.. loving it..
the CE today was kind of interesting.  A lot of the things I've known... it's good review.  The food was good.  People must have thought I totally waste my food but really it's a bit heavy for me and I knew if I ate it, I would be sick again.. so sorry.. I know it's wasteful but... shouldn't we be cutting back our portion anyway?

night now

..so i end up posting this a day later... yeah my life w/o the flickering internet access.

Ok I will try to ignore the fact that I'm typing this in word... because the internet is not working.. yes it is not working once again. This is getting to the point that I will not be able to get work done. Ah ah...


so second day of second week was not bad but I've learned a lot. Most important of all, I need to learn to think before I said.

Recently, my brain has developed weird habits. I don't even know what it is anymore. The customers were spelling out his name to me. Example: from Kynlon → mcyoungster. I don't know how I come with the name like that but he basically said you told me to spell my name and you wrote this? What even more surprising or what I should have said scarier thing is : I didn't flush at his comment. I apologized and asked him to write down. I think my brain is separating... into two different hemisphere instead of one connecting single entity. I hope nothing wrong is going on in there!

Work is fine today. I know I work hard for what I want. I don't take things for granted. However, some people are not that way. How do you deal with that? Well, very easy... it's better to talk in private than in front of others. That's all I can say about the subject.

Everywhere I go, I always learn something (from my mistakes, and others) ^_^

Went to the gym today. I've been obsessed with my weight again. Crazy crazy I know...but I don't get to exercise much these days. No working to work (it's just not possible). At least the gym is free and offers good quality equipment. I'm thinking about joining a gym near home once I get back. Either that or I should join a class.

About the gym is: I can go any time no need to go on a restricted schedule. About the class is: I can go into a structured environment which I might need.





Overall, things are progressing well. Can't believe that it's the middle of the week again already.

Drug I've learned today? Let's see... I'm not quite sure but I did counsel the patients on aspirin :D To prevent stomach upset, use the enteric coating so that it won't affect your stomach as much as regular formulation.





So.. I've been wanting to write an entry about the K-drama that I'm watching but... time is short so I have to put it aside for another time. Just a note, the world is not black or white. Neither is our character. ^_^





Signing off!

second week of rotation

so... google has decided to delete my post w/o telling me about it... because of the connection issue? huh ? huh??
hello? I can't get to this page w/o logging in.
anyway.. just an update saying I'm into my 2nd week.  Too tired now to write anything longer than this.  Will update after my presentation about vitamin D tomorrow.  Just in case you wonder long how, it's going to be a 40 minutes+ presentation about vitamin D!
pray for me! :)

first day of rotation

the first day of rotation was fine.
I think I will learn a lot from this rotation.
My preceptor is extremely great.  He's so knowledgeable and ... witty as well as funny.  I think I'm extremely lucky...

trick of the day: if you have earwax plugging ear, try stool softener capsule instead of carbamide peroxide.
here is how you would do it.
use the over the counter stool softener capsule
for adult 2 capsules, for children, 1 capsule
puncture the capsule and squeeze out the liquid in there into the plugged ear with your head on the side.
let it stay there for a couple of minutes.  then use the cotton ball to cover it.  in the morning, you will see the result...
I have never tried this but I've heard it works.  If you've tried it, let me know if it works. :D
this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA for safety and efficacy : ) (legality purpose)
Enjoy... I'm back on reviewing the.. review paper...

So I finally arrived at the new place.
The rotation starts tomorrow... interestingly, I'm not as nervous as I was last year.
this year, I have a few housemate as well.  It's kind of nice but let's see ..hopefully I still have time to do some of the stuffs that I need to do.  ^_^.
The drive wasn't so bad.  I think last year it was 2.5 hrs.  this year is about 2 hrs. 
However, 2 hrs is when I'm driving aggressively.  I don't know how Google Map calculate that it's going to be 2 hrs w/in the normal limit.  It's impossible.  I think people must have measured the road incorrectly or something.

anyway... life is good.
if there is a concern... it's only the internet here is so slow... at least we have internet. .
at this point, I have a room all by myself and I don't know whether I will have a roommate.  I don't mind...as long as she comes when I leave :P

^_^

oh I get free food for the entire as well.  Had I known.... I wouldn't have gone grocery shopping...hehe

it's..over..second year it is...

.. wow...wow...I walked out of the room thinking...really? I finished the last test for second year?  Is it really the end?

I guess it is!! I'm glad it is!!

It's been a strange semester.....but I can't say enough...because I have things to do..
rotation is next week....
so I'll be on rotation 40 hrs a week + working 15-20 hrs a week...plus..doing other things that I would love to do when I have "free" time.  Things should be good....
I'm excited to exit PY2 status...on becoming PY3...
bliss...bliss..

will tomorrow come?

tomorrow..is coming and I'm not prepared for it..
this semester has been up and down..hopefully I'll pass all my classes and move on to the final year in class...
so fast... 2 years have gone by just like a snap...

break break

tomorrow is our first final...and i'm yet to study for the subject...
have been wondering...what it means to finally let go of something that you treasure...
who would have thought...watching a K-drama would trigger such thoughts...after all, I've been through a few of these instances...my life is not extremely rosy but neither is it bleak.
really would love to write an entry about it...but the time is not adequate..maybe after final I'll put something down.
back to studying

electronic?

lesson learn from electronic devices

• save , save, and save your files...automatic saving sometimes won't be able to rescue your file completely...
• if your computer is prone to crash, save religiously!
• once you are done working on the files, save and close it... do not leave them open.  Chances are...they will pop up when you restart the problem after the crash and make you confused about its origin...
• computers don't act according to what you want it to do..
• back up your file....computer can die without anything warning unlike human diseases...
• know a friend who is a computer geek...all your answers will be answered in timely manner 

focus?

beauty is in the eye of the beholder...or they said...
just realized that...the best lenses that are our their are your own eyes...
...why...?
you can only see what you want to see.  There will be things in the way...but you still control your focus...
such is the same with other things in life...
there are many doors...but you only focus on the one that you want...and forget about the rests or at least just don't pay as much attention...
I considered myself lucky...many times over....
Times and times again I wonder what I should do once I graduate...
will working in the community make me happy?  will working in the hospital make me happy?  should I work in the clinic?  should I do a residency?   I know I probably won't do a fellowship...I don't see the advantage...at least at this point...
therapy classes have been anything but a blur...
I ask and ask again...can I do something ...that I could utilize my strengths...
maybe they have given me the answer...
I've looked around a lot...I've tried different things...things that I decided that I don't want to do unless necessary...
I'm trying new things with the current project at school...
I feel most happen when I spend time working on the project at my internship...not that it is a structured internship...it's more like a contract job...but I've learned so much...most of all I've learned what interests me...not that I will follow this path...at least it exposed me to something that I never knew before...
knowledge is one thing...confidence is another thing...
we often have knowledge, have the ability to do things...but our confidence let us down.
I guess...just be strong..and believe in our ability to work harder, smarter, and better...after all...life is full of opportunities...try and try again...eventually...confidence is no longer a matter of fear...it will become part of the success that you are building...a person...who is capable of handling both failure and success...

life oh life..

there are many lessons to learn in life...
even if you pour your heart out...don't expect anything in return...because after all...most of the time people don't care if you have treated them in earnest...
a good lesson to learn...
oh don't worry..I didn't get hurt...
history just repeats itself....it didn't hurt because...I didn't expect anything... i didn't hurt because it didn't want anything in return...
it's an interesting observation of life...
life goes on... ^_^

it's in the blue sky...

time is a magnificent healer...
I'm almost done with second year now.  I still miss you from time to time.  I wish I could tell you what I am going through.  All the exciting things that I get to do and all the failures that I have to endure.
Life is like a rose in the garden. It's not only nice to look at...it also possesses great scent.  And yes...it's too painful to be close without getting hurt...without getting the bruised...sometimes blood.
I have been going through a lot of thinking...most of the time I don't get any of the answers.  I try to let the day unfold itself.
I got an internship..which will probably be set for the summer.  Whether it was luck I don't know.  Part of it just keeps on thinking, you always help me when I need you the most.  Silly thought isn't it?  I know you have long gone to a different world to a different life...but somehow your karma...my karma...still intertwined in this life time.
I talked to M not too long ago about how your simple act carried me through until today...without you, I wouldn't be where I am today.  Without Mom, I wouldn't be where I am today either.  This debt that I owe to both of you are immeasurable.
You raised me up... you helped me grow...unexpectedly through different phases...in life.
You never taught me a lesson formally.  It's through your mistakes and my mistakes that I learned not to repeat them.
You taught me to never let go of what I really want to do..this lesson... I still try to learn.
I miss how you often just sat, looked, and smiled...instead of answering my question.  It showed you will support me no matter what.
the sky is blue...the leaf is green...and forever you will be in heart...you will forever be there...

short update...

busy...busy...
IRB is due soon.  Working on an exciting case with an interdisciplinary team (public health, business, law, etc) ! For the first time, I feel excited about the prospect of an interdisciplinary project.  It's something that... I'm looking forward to! but of course, there are a lot of works!  But.. it's okie!
Applying to various internships... so please cross your fingers for me! ^_^
Things are not as clear but it's okie.  I have to time clear things up but at least now I can just keep going.
Change of plan for spring break: no longer travel to another country but will visit my sister and home home home ! ^_^
I love traveling but I realize one thing... traveling brings me knowledge, brings me the "freedom" of exploration... it's fun, it's great... but the bottom line: it's not happiness. Don't take me wrong, I love moving from one place to another... East Coast Transplant, West Coast Transplant, Classroom Transplant..I'm even interested in Transplant Pharm (who wouldn't? when your contribution is enormous...when every single pt coming into the room is different and yes because of the drugs they are on?)... I like things to be dynamics.  But there are priorities in life... and you just have to rank them based on what you will make you the happiest. And for now,  I feel I am where I am supposed to be. When chances come, the travel bugs will definitely kick in :)

That's for the update!

nostalgia

school..school..school.. what else can I say?
Almost a month now, homework is there, test is there, and you always try your best to finish it.
Yesterday I called Mom.  She went back home for a visit.  She is doing well.  I got to talk to Sau as well.  It's been a long time I haven't talked to her.  How our lives have become so different and yes...too far apart.. but at the same time, everytime I listened to her voice and heard her stories, and how she is doing...it brought tears to my eyes.  I'm glad she is doing well.  Maybe I will pay a visit sometimes in the next couple of years.  It has been a long time...and who knows how long she is going to be there.
Hearing her describing her days and how much she is making, it tore my heart.  Whether I have become more Americanized and accustomed to my living environment...over here, you don't have everyone around you and you just have to strive on your own.  It is sometimes difficult to imagine oh our life used to be like that.  We used to live in the same house.  Dad used to take me here.  Now...everyone is living in a corner of his/her life.  We are busy doing our things and sometimes forget others....
It makes me miss Dad.  I thought of him recently.  I wondered whether he would be happy seeing our family growing...I wondered whether he would be happy seeing I'm doing fine in school and keeping up with all the things around me.  I wonder...where he is now.  His face instills in my heart...I will always be missing him..
It's raining hard...

adjusting?

Adjusting?  What adjusting?  I fall into the rhythm of school and test seamlessly.  I guess being in school for the last year and a half has been truly rewarding.  I love learning and yes I hate testing but as they said how would you know you know the material without being tested.  Well I might have to say, give us a case study and we will work on it and we will learn from it.  Give us our SOAP notes because we will have to look through the references, understanding the conditions, and applying our knowledge.  Instead of giving us a 50 questions exam, give us something that when we finish, we know we have known the materials.  No, to most, test rules...
But it's okie.. it's just the fact of life.
The new motto of this semester: study so you know what you study but don't kill yourself over silly mistake.  Chances are in real life, you have resources to turn to.  Chances are in real life, you will gain enough experience to make the right clinical judgement.
The impending future still looms ahead and yes I still don't know what I want to do.  Who knows something will come up.  If it doesn't, I would just have to go and look for it!
on a good note, I've been keeping up with my photo blog a lot better than my studying ^_^

... things I have thought about recently...

So school has started for about one week already.  What should I say? I'm neither excited or depressed.  It has become just a matter of going to classes, studying, completing homework, working on cases, doing all the quizzes, preparing for classes, learning new information...the laundry list is long but somehow I knew it wasn't anxiety that got into me recently.  I was it was a state of uncertainty.
I don't like uncertainty because it doesn't let me know where I am heading.  I don't like the fact that I have to think about where I am heading.  Why things can't be just as clear cut.. life oh life.
Looking at the images from Haiti... I often wonder how life can be this unfair to their people.  We asked our teachers they often said... it's collective karma...but thousands of people suffered the same fate I wonder... what they did.  My prayer is with them.
school starts again on tuesday with ... many assignments to be due... I'd better get ready for the semester...
second semester of pharmacy school is the hardest people often said...it's either i'm in denial but i'm just... well... it's all studying... there is no escape...complaint won't solve the problems... so I guess I will just try to stay alive this semester ^_^
hopefully... I can do it...

midnight again

so my first day of class is officially Monday...
I guess I'm a little bit more anxious than normal.  The amount of course loads and the anticipations of a hard semester only add more anxiety on top of everything.
Once in a while I start to wonder... what happens if I forgot everything when I graduated.
Doubts are those creepers that keep crawling into my head and telling me about all the impossibilities of remembering all of these concepts.  I guess it's a scary thing.   It's a scary things when you don't know what lie ahead.  It's a scary thing when you don't know whether you can hold onto your own sanity.
I hate doubts but I have so much doubts.  Just wish I have a clearer head... maybe it's time for another retreat (March possibly... I need to call and confirm...if I can... I should go..., I really should... the first time I did, it helped me getting through the toughest time yet in my life... wonder what this one would bring even if it's only for a much shorter time...)

a cold night

would have posted more... if my hands and fingers are not freezing...
sometimes I wonder how people could not take others' perspective insights.  I guess sympathy is not a given characteristic.  People learn to be sympathetic with one another.  Everyday you learn something new.  I was told, you can only live for yourself... it can't become any truer as I grow older.  :)

in case you don't know... I'm starting a photo blog
http://photomemica.blogspot.com/

enjoy :)